Random

Oy, my blog is being steadily engulfed by this Random/RealLife tag cloud at perhaps the exact same rate as my life. No doubt readability is suffering as a result. Like, seriously, who wants to read this drivel? Whatever. It’s past 2am on a Tuesday and I have nothing better to do.

So I was wrong about May, it ended even lower than it began. In fact, it was a solid contender for rolling 6 month low, or something like that. (It’s probably for the best that I don’t have actual data with which to determine such things…)

My emotional construct is perhaps exactly like Jenga. Everything is a bunch of blocks, all stacked up to make a solid structure, steadily Stackenblochen. But the blocks don’t stay that way, they get taken out, and the column of bricks starts to get weaker with ever-increasing fragility. Inevitably, that one fateful block, upon removal, causes the tower to topple over in absolute disintegration.

And taking out that last brick really doesn’t seem like it’s enough to cause that total destruction. I mean, you just took out a whole bunch of other blocks, so why should one more cause everything to fall apart? But that’s the thing, the entire sequence of removal caused the collapse – that last brick was just perfectly positioned to become, by the events preceding it, absolutely necessary to the continued integrity of the tower such that its absence resulted in chaos.

So ya, Jenga. My tower toppled over the weekend. It’s still in pieces on the floor. And I feel like an idiot because there’s no real reason, no single block is really that important, so why the hell did this happen? But I guess that’s the thing – it’s not just one brick, there’s a whole pile of them missing, and that last block was simply the culmination of a sequence that started who-knows-how-long-ago.

But whatever, I’ll rebuild my tower, even as blocks continue to disappear…

breathing fire doesn’t look good on a resume

Pilgrims!

I’d say I began the month fairly low on the ol’ hows-it-going-ometer, an internal situation which was not improved by converting my emotional distress potential into work energy, a quasi-thermodynamic ability that I’ve readily employed in the past, and continue to default towards. The idea being that the worse I feel about personal stuff, the more effort I devote to school/work.

I think I’m getting better, almost too good actually, at pulling all-nighters between days of full activity. It’s one thing to not sleep and then be really tired the next day, it’s another thing entirely to not sleep and still operate at like ~80% efficiency for another full cycle. Coffee and energy drinks do help, but aren’t necessarily required.

Sometimes, oftentimes in fact, I ponderously compare (my perception of) the internal emotional state of people around me with my own inner workings, and almost always come away with the conclusion that true interpersonal “normalcy” may be forever beyond my reach. I guess it’s the human condition, but I’d really, really like to know what’s going on inside other people, because generally what’s going on between my four walls scares the shit outta me. My emotions, suppressed and generally action-less though they may be, really don’t make sense, nor do they seem to align with what a “normal” person “should” feel.

I almost always feel like I’m faking social interaction, like it’s acting and I’m trying not to look at the camera. I truly wonder if everybody feels this way? I guess I’ll never really know.

May is probably gonna turn out alright though. Just gotta stop and smell the roses…

I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time