I’d say I began the month fairly low on the ol’ hows-it-going-ometer, an internal situation which was not improved by converting my emotional distress potential into work energy, a quasi-thermodynamic ability that I’ve readily employed in the past, and continue to default towards. The idea being that the worse I feel about personal stuff, the more effort I devote to school/work.

I think I’m getting better, almost too good actually, at pulling all-nighters between days of full activity. It’s one thing to not sleep and then be really tired the next day, it’s another thing entirely to not sleep and still operate at like ~80% efficiency for another full cycle. Coffee and energy drinks do help, but aren’t necessarily required.

Sometimes, oftentimes in fact, I ponderously compare (my perception of) the internal emotional state of people around me with my own inner workings, and almost always come away with the conclusion that true interpersonal “normalcy” may be forever beyond my reach. I guess it’s the human condition, but I’d really, really like to know what’s going on inside other people, because generally what’s going on between my four walls scares the shit outta me. My emotions, suppressed and generally action-less though they may be, really don’t make sense, nor do they seem to align with what a “normal” person “should” feel.

I almost always feel like I’m faking social interaction, like it’s acting and I’m trying not to look at the camera. I truly wonder if everybody feels this way? I guess I’ll never really know.

May is probably gonna turn out alright though. Just gotta stop and smell the roses…

I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time