That didn’t happen.

Instead I read through a bunch of my old chat logs with Janet. (Ya, I save stuff like that.) I really do miss her. She was definitely one of my greatest friends ever. One of a kind. Irreplaceable. Unforgettable.

Reading through all those lines of IM reminded me (again) just how much of a great friend she was to me. She shared lots of good advice about topics I still know very little about: life, women, relationships, preparing for the inevitable zombie uprising… the list goes on.

I wish I could still talk to her, get her opinion, listen to her stories, share my own. She was incredibly insightful and quick-witted, conversations with Janet were never dull. Looking back, I’m almost surprised how much she shared with me about her own life. I basically spilled my guts to her rather regularly because I valued her insight very highly, and because she was really the only person I could talk to about certain things. But she cared about my advice too, even though I was often speaking from a position of, well, complete inexperience. That was one of the (many) inherently noble characteristics of Janet – she made you feel like you mattered. She made me feel like I mattered, which is no small feat for those who know me (low self-esteem ftw!)

Of all the parallel universes my mind sometimes travels to, definitely the most frequently visited one is in alternate-future Waterloo/Toronto where I move back there, Janet’s still alive, everybody is happy, and life is awesome for all of us. We all go out to Abstract and Phil’s all the time, and I have appropriate attire for both :P

Janet was definitely the catalyst that shook me out of my Waterloo doldrums and initiated some of the absolute best times in my entire life. I’ll always be grateful to her for looking out for me, like a big sister, and dragging me out to events on nights I would have otherwise spent at Azeroth or Kubra Dam.

I almost can’t believe she’s been gone for a whole year. I still can’t imagine what it must be like her family. I hate feeling so powerless to help them at all. If I lost my brother, I’d be devastated. And from an external viewpoint, we probably don’t even seem that “close”. But he’s my brother, and to lose him would be… unspeakable.

Anyhow, well, it’s 3am and this post isn’t getting any happier. I’ll end with something more positive. This is still my favourite picture of Janet:

Hehe, that dude is Courtney Taylor-Taylor, one of her favourite rockstars. The juxtaposition still makes me smile.

Rest in peace Ja. <3

but it’s of her I dream

Fond-yet-bittersweet memories are like the cranial equivalent of that photo album you keep in a storage box under the bed, mixed in with half-forgotten yearbooks and that Valentine from fourth grade, the one you still can’t bring yourself to toss out.

You reach back there, behind the calculus textbook you never used again, and pull out the memories, into the brightly-lit forefront of the mind. Brush off the neural dust, and recall a time and place not so far away, not so long ago. Happy, smiling faces immortalized in glossy rectangular prints. Oh, to be young again… for you always feel old when thinking about the past.

And then, after some time, they’re tucked back away in the deeper parts of the mind, to rest in darkness until the time is right to revisit them again. Because that’s they only way you know how to deal with it, to put it away. Not lost, never forgotten, but away, beneath the daily distractions and short-term recollections.

And you think about that poem you started almost a year ago, and realize that even now, even still… you can’t finish it. You probably never will.

keep it, the feelings

The statement applies to myself. In each post, I’ll cover another profession, different than my own, and why I sometimes have delusions that maybe I *could* do that job, but also why in the end they’re still primarily delusions.

Well, actually, maybe I really could do these jobs. In fact, I think most people could do most jobs… if they really wanted to. Not without training and experience, of course, in some cases a lot of training and experience, but still. Motivation and effort are great equalizers in human achievement. If someone really, really wants to do/be something, they can overcome a lot of otherwise insurmountable obstacles.

For myself, I’m very fortunate in that a great many potential external disadvantages aren’t really an issue. Thus, if I wanted to do/be something other than what I’m actually doing/being, the primary limiting factor is probably my own desire to change. Thus, any other career that I sorta think I could do (but actually realize I “can’t”) is totally an internal issue. My upcoming admission of self-characteristics that prevent me from pursing these as-yet-unnamed* alternative careers is more a confession of my perceived inability to change myself rather than a protest of limiting factors imposed upon me from an outside source.

* – I haven’t mentioned them because I haven’t actually decided what the list is going to be yet…

Anyhow, ya, I don’t really know what the point of these posts will be. It doesn’t really seem like it’ll be enjoyable to read…

Well, whatever, that’s my new idea. Sometimes I really do have these random thoughts about other jobs, where I can kinda half-visualize myself doing it, but it usually involves me having a modified personality, skill set, etc. (Like a pragmatic version of a superpowers dream…)

Oh, and this doesn’t mean I don’t like my current job, haha. I do like my job! That’s why I spent the past several years striving to be basically exactly where I am now. I say “basically exactly” because my plan was only detailed to a certain extent – where I am now is definitely within measurement error of the best I realistically expected I could be. Which might sound negative, but I mean that in a very complimentary way (to my job).

in creeps the morning and another day’s lost

But I was right about it being close and relatively low-scoring (23-19). In the end, I guess X-factor Dinwiddie can be scapegoated for his < 50% completion rate and giving up three interceptions.

It wasn’t actually a very exciting game to watch. I like high-octane offensive plays and teams trading scores. This Grey Cup was a testament to the old sports adage: defence wins championships. Well, special teams played a big part too. But neither QB had a good game. Kerry Joseph just gets to celebrate anyhow.

It’s pretty impressive that Johnson got all three interceptions, especially that one he ran back for a TD. Definitely deserving of MVP honours, particularly in a game where nobody really stood out offensively.

Anyhow, well, this should give those Calgarian members of Rider Nation something extra to cheer about next time they descend upon McMahon Stadium with their watermelons. Not that they really needed the encouragement…

Oh, final thought: Lenny Kravitz put on a pretty good halftime show. I’ve never been a huge Kravitz fan, because too many of his lyrical rhyming schemes are absolutely atrocious. “I wish that I could fly / Into the sky / So very high“. Seriously, what is this, grade 6 poetry class? :P

The man can definitely rock out on a guitar though. He just needs to stop writing his own lyrics…

But hey, American Woman* is classic. Especially for Canadians, haha.

* – It should be noted that it’s a Guess Who cover…

sparkle someone else’s eyes

(Like, who do I think I am, Chris Schultz?)

Well, first off, much to my chagrin the Stamps are not in this game, after losing the Western Semi (again). *Sigh* Not that I honestly expected Calgary to make it this far, but still, it’s disappointing. Maybe next year…

Anyhow, next season can wait. For now, let’s talk about today.

I’m kinda glad the Roughriders are in this. For one, it’s easier to bear your own team’s loss if their opponent ends up beating the next team too. Besides, it was an upset for B.C. to lose, and those sports fans in Saskatchewan deserve a break. After all, it’s not like they have much else to cheer for. Curling? C’mon.

The Riders are the obvious favourites coming into this game, and rightly so. I think about 80%+ of the TSN experts predicted a Saskatchewan victory. The biggest factor here is obviously having their main man at QB, league outstanding player and all-star Kerry Joseph. Their receiving corps is also doing pretty good right now, with Flick and Fantuz both very capable. I kinda wonder if RB Cates is fully healthy, although he’ll play… if he gets injured in the game it could possibly changes things.

For the Bluebombers, the big question is clearly the mysterious Ryan Dinwiddie. If he loses this game, it’ll be blamed on his inexperience. If he wins, it’ll definitely be impressive. Of course, Winnipeg could try to win the game without using Dinwiddie too much, and just run the ball a lot with Roberts. But then again, with their receiving top trio being good enough to help him out a lot, Dinwiddie might be able to get away with a few mistakes and still make big plays.

Defensively, the Bombers probably have the advantage. But without their starting QB, they might be contained, thus giving the Riders’ D the upper hand.

Of course, there’s always this photo to consider:

I mean, if the Dalai Lama wishes you victory…

I just hope it’s a good game. If Saskatchewan wins, I’ll tilt my hat to their fans, who admittedly are probably among the most dedicated in the country and kinda deserve another championship. (I attribute this to them not having much else to be excited about…) If Winnipeg wins, I think it’d make for a great sports story – untested QB comes in for the big game and wins.

Personally, I predict a close, relatively low-scoring game, with the Bombers winning by 7. Just because I love a good sports story.

everyone feels happy in a way they can’t explain today

Green Bay

Favre was huge in the Green Bay victory over Detroit, with 20 consecutive completions and 3 TDs – which is what I’d call a really, really good game. I’m pretty impressed that Favre is having such a great season and leading the Packers to serious Super Bowl contention. When I watch him play, I often think he makes really sketchy decisions, but then he’ll turn right around and be awesome. This season has definitely been more of the awesome.

I wouldn’t mind a cheesehead championship this year, with Favre being the Brady-slaying, perfect season spoiler. Of course, I’d also like to see a team go undefeated, because that would just be epic. Even if it’s the Patriots. What can I say, my NFL loyalties are fickle – I like high-powered, pass-dominated offensive teams that are exciting to watch. Preferably ones with some admirable main characters, of which Favre would certainly be one. Heh, case in point, this quote after the game:

“I threw it. They caught it. Nothing spectacular.”
- Favre

Ya, he’s the man. Scruffy grey beard and all.

Dallas

Interestingly enough, the Packers will next face the similarly 10-1 Cowboys, who sent the Jets crashing to the ground tonight in a one-sided game. Opening-drive TDs and interceptions returned for a score from halfway down the field are generally a sign of one team’s dominance. And what a game to do it in, as the Romo to Owens score late in the game ties a franchise record that he’ll almost certainly break next game. I’m definitely planning to watch the upcoming NFC showdown next week. Should be a good one.

Indy

Finally, Manning and the Colts overcame what looked like possible disaster, and avoided a third loss on the season by beating the oh-we-wish-we-still-had-Vick Falcons. I’m a Peyton fan, he’s an amazing player and seems like an all-around classy guy. His triple TDs tonight ensured that Indy is still a powerhouse team with an almost inevitable playoff date with destiny. Whether or not they can actually win that big playoff game is a big question – right now I’d say the Colts are looking like the 4th best team in the league, and they’re going to have to do better than that to beat the Patriots. Because we totally know that rematch is happening, again.

give a little love to get a little love

This iteration I’ve gone for using WordPress and my own domain name instead of restarting my Blogger. I liked using Blogger, and it was free, but I’m really enjoying the freedom of having WordPress on my own site – messing with the code, changing around the options. The limiting factor is no longer “what does my blogware allow me to do?”, but “what can I do to my blogware?” Besides, having “my own site” (for real) was long overdue.

I kinda like writing, I don’t know why, but I do. I wouldn’t say I’m especially good at it (unless compared to the illiterate) but I often find my thoughts and feelings (to the extent I have either) organizing themselves into text, begging to be posted. Besides, blogs are a great way to share stuff with friends, especially those who find themselves geographically separated. And come January, if I were to do some friendship * geographical_distance calculations, I know I’d come up with some pretty big numbers. But hey, seriously, who does those? Who even makes jokes like that?

Yes, welcome to my blog! Haha.

So starting up a new blog leads to inevitable questions regarding blogging itself. Openly blogging is not without possible repercussions. People get fired/sued for blogging, let alone the less legal – but perhaps equally emotional – consequences of possibly pissing people off in RL. I even directly know people who have “gotten into trouble” for their blogs, which is kinda freaky but also simultaneously kinda awesome.

So ya, I’ll attempt to avoid any of that, but at the same time the perceived threat is low enough that I’m not hesitant to discuss my real self within the twin-column confines of these pages. I’m not gonna post company secrets or heartfelt IM logs, but If I’m not enjoying my work – I might mention it. If something happens in RL that pisses me off, I might rant about it. That’s the nature of the blog.

Seriously, what’s the point of sharing stuff if you can’t share real stuff? Oh sure, I imagine a high percentage of my content will be little more than links to random stories/newsposts with a couple of my comments tossed in. But then again, if I feel like posting something a little more emotionally meaty, I refuse to let the slim chance of reprisal prevent that. Quite frankly, I’m usually bashful enough as is without worrying about what people think about my blog.

For now, that’s all I’ve got.

like water lost in the sea